Crossing the Rubicon

Yesterday we read in Story of the World about Caesar's return to Rome, even though he knew that he would be arrested. Apparently he stopped at the Rubicon River and told his men that once they crossed things would change and asked if they were ready. Of course, Caesar being Caesar went on and crossed the Rubicon. We've been talking about how the phrase, "crossing the Rubicon" has come to mean a decision that can't be undone.

Well, I feel as though I'm probably crossing the Rubicon with my almost certain decision to send the boys to school next year. It's not totally certain until the day school starts (when of course, we'll be on vacation), but I'd say 90%.

I can only explain this decision one way--by talking about the Church Relief Society lessons I've been giving lately, especially the one from the last Sunday on Obedience. There was a phrase in the lesson that said something like, "you ask for the answer, then you follow the answer, what every it may be." I expanded that a little in talking about integrity and the fact that you didn't have to ask, but once you did, you are pretty much obligated to follow the direction.

I asked, thinking I knew the answer. But I still asked one night about whether I should keep the boys home. And the answer was very clear. I need to send them to school. So you see, I asked and I got an answer--not the one I wanted, but an answer nonetheless.

There is a lot going on in my mind right now. I'm trying really hard to be excited and not worry. I'm really trying hard not to focus on the things I had planned for next year and focus instead on preparing them to go to school.

Honestly, I think one of the hardest things for me to accept is that I won't be a teacher any more. I'll still have Annika and Emma home and Sam for part of the day, but I won't have to make the formal plans I've done in the past. I don't need to plan out my day in terms of Math, Reading, Science and History. I won't need to pore through books finding the best way to teach this or that. Being a homeschool mom has allowed me to hold onto some of the more "adult" parts of my identity even while spending the days with my children. And I'll miss that. A lot. I expect that I'll be at loose ends for a while. I'll need to find a new identity that I can live with and be excited about.

This is getting pretty long, but allow me to indulge in this just a bit longer. I think I'll chronicle our lives getting ready to go to school in the next month or so and the first part of the school year in this space and then close it down. This is going to be really hard, wish us all luck please.